honey honey i heard you

The gossip was superb. i called him brader or bro for no particular reason. It isn't as if we are related by blood. I knew him since Poly but we didn't talk much back then. We smiled when we bumped into each other and that was practically IT.

Yesterday, we had a gossip session on MSN. We talked about our old friends; mainly couples. I won't mention them here coz it won't be fair. Then we whined about how much fun we had as students especially in NYP.

He saw my pictures on MSN and compliment on my looks. "You are looking better lah. There's a glow in you. How come you look different now eh?" he asked.

I wasn't sure. I told him, "Maybe my personal life that wasn't great?" He made me think otherwise.

So the past surfaced. I started my Poly journey with a guy that I knew I had loved so much. I practically gave all my heart to him. He knew it too. I wondered where and what went wrong. Maybe I wasn't keen on prettying myself up. Maybe I was outdated. Maybe I was just TOO PLAIN. But I knew I push him away with my jealousy.

He made me cried in public for breaking my heart. He wanted us to split and meet new peeps. He appeared to be sad in front of me, saying it was his fault. I got home, curled up and cried somemore until a friend SMSed me saying he was so happy and free, chilling with them. I was upset.

I became spoilt and pampered. Strings of boyfriends; younger men, cousins maniac, possessive, slackers, mommy's boy... Cradle snatchers, you could call me that. No matter who i was with, none could overtake the love i had for him. I was disheartened to know he was happy with my friend. We became enemies though.

For two years, i tried to forget about him. I made myself busy with school, dancing, performing, datings, flings and arguements with parents. Until he called me up out of the blue.

He asked me out for old times sake. I was thrilled but caution. Still I was thrilled. My clicks were shocked to see him with me. But they nagged. "Becareful, he might break you up again." I wasn't listening.

I was happy he broke up with her. She left him for someone else. He was surprised at my changes. My outlook. It was a difference since he left me, sobbing. In my heart, i whispered "I got him again. He came back to me on his own will."

I felt proud though. I asked him "Is this for real?" He said "yes". He made a fool out of me again. He gave me hope for love. He knows I love him. No matter how much he hurt me, I would still forgive and love. He knows me. The broken heart is once again broken into much smaller pieces.

Once again, I curled up on my bed and cried. I hate him for hurting me. I knew it was partly my mistake too, to trust him again. I still have not forgive him for smashing my heart like that. So if ever we bump into each other, don't assume I am SO ok with the past.

But that was my poly life. I ended that life with a great person.

I was reluctant to know him at first. My lab mate, Lina, wouldn't stop talking about him. I saw his picture one fine day and he looked good. We chatted on the phone for a week and I silenced myself for another week.

One Saturday afternoon, I called him up for a coffee session. I met up with Fauzana first. While waiting for her, a stranger stepped on my sandal and my strap came off. Thus I had to make do with Giordano slippers.

Fau... you might remember how I played hide and seek with him at Levis Takashimaya. He looked fine as always. Tall, not as huge as now, amazing eyes and warm. He made me laugh and nervous at the same time. I got butterflies in my stomach all the time.

Another two weeks of phone calls, we finally met up again. I was dolled up by Lina. She told me to look mature. That was the day. The day we watched Planet of the Ape, the day we held each other hands, the day he hugged and wanted to throw me into the pool and the day we sat quietly next to each other at Boat Quay. It was midnight when I reached home, blushing.

That was two years and eight months ago. He makes me laugh, think of my future, be happy with my parents and everything. He put comment sense in me. He even helped me with my image. He would say No to this and 'Hey, you look sexy in that."

Most important thing, I feel secure and comfortable with him. I love him now. With all my heart. Yes, the broken heart is smooth to its origin. I love him. Each night I would smile in my sleep just thinking of him.

I am one lucky girl to have Fadli. Yes, that's my baby's name. I love Fadli. Thanks for making me beautiful and complete. I want to be beautifully old with you, darling. Forever, for eternity and for infinity.

ps- this is my past love journey. For old friends, I do change in my good ways. I learn to be happy with myself first, then be happy with the rest. That's important to me. So let the glow shines for now.